im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
