She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
