i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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