a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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