what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
