The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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