Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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