I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
