i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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