Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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