smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
