Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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