So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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