i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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