sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
