Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
