Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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