I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
