Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
