I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
