Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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