he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
