I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
