that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
