I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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