This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
