i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You made out with two different species that night
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
