I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
