He is such a slut. More and more my type.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
