If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
