I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
