im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
