update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
