I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
