I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
