life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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