Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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