I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
