I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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