Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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