I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
