My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
