watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
