I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
