Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
