All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
