Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
