I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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