Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
