She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
