Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
